Famously Rude

A very famous man was sitting in a room at a party and absolutely no one was talking to him. I introduced myself. He shook my hand and sneered at me. – I’m James, I told him. – I’ve never heard of you, he replied. – Well why would you? I replied. And that’s a strange way to respond to an introduction. – You bore me, he said. – I wasn’t trying to entertain you, I said. I only wanted to meet you. He stood up abruptly. – This seat is uncomfortable, he said, a look of annoyance on his face. – Well, you’re certainly a lot of fun to talk to, I said. I see what makes you so popular. I was hoping that some humor might cheer him up and get him to stop acting like a prick. He smiled and opened his mouth as though about to say something clever. Then he unzipped his pants. The room went quiet. He began urinating on my shoes. I was so shocked I just stood there, until I felt his urine seeping through my Converse sneakers. Everyone in the room stared, waiting for my reaction. – You’re incredibly rude, famous or not, I finally said, and walked upstairs to wash my shoes and socks in the bathtub. Later, the hostess knocked on the door. She apologized to me for his behavior and then handed me a sealed envelope. – He wanted me to tell you to call him, sometime. He said that you were the only person who talked to him all night and that he liked you. Confused, I opened the envelope. It was a blank business card with nothing but the words “YOU BORE ME” written on it in a ballpoint pen. I stomped downstairs, hoping to catch him as he was leaving. But he had not left. He was sitting in the same hard-backed chair, talking to no one, waiting for me. He stood up, and unzipped his pants. The room went quiet. I unzipped my pants. – It’s about time you started to play by my rules, he said.