Writing Wisdom

As mankind advances, we have more and more things for which to be profoundly embarrassed. It is like trying to find the dragon to save the princess and then discovering that not only was there no princess (and no dragon) but that you have sexually abused hundreds of men, women, and children along the way.
- James Cooper

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You know you are in love when the other people you sleep with start to seem as dull and sad as your partner.

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There is nothing more depressing than real evidence of having been a teenager.

A good dog is like a good friend: totally useless for getting off, unless you’ve really hit rock bottom.

There are lots of good ideas. And there are lots of good-looking people. And good-looking people can have good ideas. But ultimately you have to choose: would I rather be good-looking or have good ideas? It’s entirely a false problem, with no real relevance, and yet the problem confronts most of us, because most of us aren’t good-looking, or, at least, we are good looking for only a few moments.

Life

is too short to trust the children of people you dislike.

Writing Wisdom

I’ve learned a lot about writing from writing everyday. I’ve learned that writing is similar to someone who is competent at woodworking and so goes into their studio and makes a thousand shitty coffee tables and armoires and chairs every year and waits for improvement by the sheer repetition of the act. And I’ve learned that the only solution is to burn my warehouse at the end of each year, for fear that the tables pile up and I would hang myself from the ceiling beam.

Children

The only good people are the children. But a person can’t hang out with children too long. They turn into intolerable brats around bedtime. However, children offer the best conversation. Though you have to trick them into speaking. They normally don’t care to speak. They would rather be fooling around. Or jumping up and down on the couch cushions and shouting the word “poopie.” And exploding into giggles. Pretend that you are sick and can’t move. Then start talking about simple things. Like the nature of friendship. Or life. And they will sit still and talk to you. And then you will learn that they are the only good people.

TV Writers

People who write for TV are people too. It is hard to see them as people, just as it might have been hard growing up in Ancient Greece to think of slaves as people, even if you happened to be a very altruistic Greek citizen, like Thucydides. That’s why I like to imagine a future in which animals are respected as much as people. Because then I am able to respect a TV writer. My mother taught me to respect animals. I can say that I love our old cat, but I can’t say I respect her as a human. Sometimes when I get drunk I say nasty things to her because she doesn’t know the difference, whereas I never say anything nasty to my mother. However, it is not easy when you are around a TV writer for long periods of time to remember any of this difficult wisdom. It’s like meeting a cute dog with mange. You want to cuddle it, but you don’t want mange, so you just stare into its sad eyes and warn it to keep away, as though it’s a human with mange. It’s hard to remember that there are so many cute dogs in this world who don’t have mange.

The Lawyer

I have a friend who is a lawyer. When I dated her at 15, I really didn’t think that she would end up a lawyer, and I would end up sitting around writing about her, feeling slightly superior, but then reflecting on that feeling of superiority and succumbing to hopelessness.